My Surrendering, and the Beginning of Sobriety
Psalm 50.15: Call on me in the day of trouble;
I will deliver you…”and so he did.”
(Update: There are several incidents which occurred during this time period of my life that helped me get sober and have helped me remain sober to this point. At the time, I was sure it was god who was behind these incidents; however, I have since come to believe that it was not god, but instead, my mind using the information and knowledge necessary to affect positive change. I no longer believe god was behind them, as I no longer believe in god. I am extremely grateful for them, and credit them for being a big part of why I am sober today.)
After nearly three decades of drinking and more than a decade of popping pills, I had had enough. My addiction—my escape, had become my prison, and I was done. My second wife of almost 20 years had had enough of my addiction just slightly before I did, and left November of 2010, leaving me in a hell of a spot. I was jobless, carless, broke, and about to be homeless in winter in Ohio. Not the greatest of circumstances, to say the least. But by then, I had become desperate, and in my desperation and in my living room, I quit—I surrendered. It was there that I prayed what I can with great confidence say was the sincerest prayer I have ever prayed in my life.
“God, I have been doing things my way, and my way is not working. I can’t take this; I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t care what it takes; I will do whatever you want me to do. I will do whatever it takes—please help me.”
With that prayer came an onset of events that would be the beginning of a journey I could never have imagined or dreamt of. In fact, had I known what was in store, I most likely would not have gotten on that plane on December 4, 2010. But I did get on that plane, at the Canton Akron Airport, after an online search for christian treatment centers. I thought I was talking to someone in Ohio; however, it turned out to be Transformations Treatment Center in Delray Beach, Florida. That phone call would set in motion the beginning of an entirely different and new life—I just didn’t realize it at the time.
I arrived in Fort Lauderdale at the detox center on Saturday and was there until my departure on the following Thursday to the treatment center. Once there, things begin to happen that I, at the time, could only explain as god doing for me what I could not do for myself, as described on page 84 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.
Through a prayer session, then called Theophostic prayer, god removed decades of self-hatred and loathing, and helped me see my father in a different light. He had come to me about 10 years prior to this point and asked me to forgive him, which I did. After that, we became close and spent hours together, fishing, going out to eat, etc. The prayer session helped me see that there was another agenda behind dad’s abuse. He helped me see that evil was behind it, manifesting through my dad to plant lies deep within—lies telling me I was worthless, no good, and a mistake. During the prayer session, decades of self-hatred instantly melted away, like a water fall gushing out of my innermost being. I have not experienced any self-loathing since that day; in fact, the opposite is true—I have loved and even liked myself since then.
Later, while waiting for a group to begin, I heard (through my thoughts, not an audible voice) what at the time I believed to be god saying to me, “You’re going to be in the ministry to alcoholics and addicts.” There was no, “Is that ok?” or “Get back to me”, just the declaration that I was going to be.
This seemed crazy at the time—remember, I had told my wife if she ever went to church, I would leave her; I also swore I’d never live in Florida. My therapist left to work at another treatment center while I was still in treatment, but we stayed in touch. Through him, I landed an internship at the treatment center where he was working at the time—a pastoral internship. The internship was between the treatment center and the university I had enrolled in as a ministries major just after getting out of treatment. That led to a full-time intern pastor position, then an assistant pastor, and then to lead pastor. That crazy notion of being in the ministry came to fruition—against all odds.
Sober Living, or Living Sober
Proverbs 20.1: Wine gives false courage; hard liquor leads to brawls; what fools men are to let it master them, making them reel drunkenly down the street. “Actually, I’ve got nothing for this one, except…Amen!!”
Life after treatment was a series of good and bad—the worst of the bad being my wife of 20 years deciding to file for divorce just after I got out of treatment. After doing the right thing and addressing my alcoholism, the door to our marriage was slammed shut; the divorce was final November of the year that I got out of treatment.
About 13 months into sobriety, I begin dating a girl I met at church. We hit it off right away and became engaged not much later. Unfortunately, she was unable to commit to marriage due to fear from her previous, abusive marriage, and after nearly two years, we ended the relationship.
Things were good for the first several years, and life, overall, was good. I lost the desire to drink, despite any bad circumstances. I had a great job at a treatment center and was doing exactly what I believed at the time god had called me to do. I was also one of the pastors at Recovery Church, a church I helped launch with several of the other pastors at the treatment center. I believed that I had a good spiritual connection, and things were good. However, things would take a turn for the worse, and my faith would be “put to the test”—the “test” of reality.
An Evangelical Christian
Luke 18.11: The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers... “and especially not like those progressive Christians!”
This time my experience with religion was with non-denominational, evangelical, fundamentalist christianity. For a few years, it served me well, and at the time, seemed to be a good fit. However, that would be short lived.
During this period, I was a “faithful” christian, played by the rules (oh no—more rules!), and garnered the acceptance of my peers, as a result of my faithful “hoop jumping.” And it suited its purpose for a while. While it was much better than the religion I grew up in, it still had much of the same “flavor.” I went to church regularly, read the bible and prayed, and even earmarked time to listen for god to speak to me, as was recommended. I would do the occasional and required “idol” search—no, not American Idol, but rather, a deep searching of the heart, the purpose of which was to determine whether I had anything in my life which usurped god’s role. The establishment’s idol hunting, as I now like to call it, seems to be a favorite pastime, and way to judge—uh… I mean, help others see the error of their ways.
However, the fundamentalism along with its hardcore belief system that required absolute faith without questioning or employing logic and reason began to lose its luster, and the “magic” began to wear off. It was during this period of my life when many doubts I had been ignoring begin to come to the forefront, demanding they no longer be ignored. I will address why the luster with evangelical, fundamentalist Christianity began to wear off, as well as those doubts, along with many other reasons why I am now atheist, in later sections in this writing.
Progressive Christianity
Luke 18.11: The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed this prayer: I thank you, God, that I am not like other people—cheaters, sinners, adulterers... “and especially not like those evangelical Christians!”
Another chapter in my religious journey, and the best one by far (as far as religion goes), began at a church that was progressive christianity in nature. A new local church had gotten my attention; I met with the pastor of that church, and really liked what he said about church, god, and religion. I began attending there in May, and soon began the process of becoming one of the pastors of that church. I became a licensed pastor of that church at the beginning of the following year. That church was by far the most welcoming and loving church I have ever been to, and never really felt like church—a good thing, to be sure. Against the “better judgment” (a term I use very loosely) of my evangelical peers and mentors, I left the evangelical, fundamentalist world behind, in search of better beliefs and doctrines.
One of the things I appreciated about progressive christianity was the freedom to question and to doubt. Not everything was set in stone, and doubting was seen as a good thing, not a horrible sin. Also, they are much more laid back in general—certainly no “idol hunting.” Of course, the evangelicals would say that progressive christians are soft on sin, and that they don’t see sin as a problem or something against which we should be in a constant state of heightened alert (It reminds me somewhat of the Homeland Security Advisory System after 911). They also do not see the bible as a word-for-word constitution, infallible and inerrant, as do the evangelicals. They employ a little more common sense and realize that the method in which the bible came to be, between the many authors and many years over which it was written, along with the writers’ biases and misunderstanding of god, are certain to lead to error and contradictions. They certainly don’t see it as an iron clad, mistake-free constitution. They welcome doubt as an avenue to exploring and learning more about god—beyond the teachings that evangelicals hold onto as absolutes; in fact, any wavering from those beliefs is considered by evangelicals to be heresy and sin, serving as evidence that the progressive has lost his way, and is headed towards dangerous moral and spiritual grounds.
Over time, the church I was attending became too liberal, even for me—at the time. It was their handling of Jesus and his sacrifice (something they refuse to call it), and death and resurrection that led to my stepping down as pastor, and to stop attending the church. It was a heart-wrenching decision, as I loved the church and the people. However, I was doing what I believed to be the right thing at the time.
Looking back, I cannot say that it was not a knee-jerk reaction, nor can I continue to say it was the right thing to do at the time. The evangelical influence and pressure from work certainly played a role in my stepping down. The christian program for which I was a pastor at the treatment center is a fundamentalist, evangelical program; the director and my boss was Baptist.
There was talk of forcing me to sign a statement of faith which was written by my former boss, who is the lead pastor at Recovery Church—the church I stepped down from due to being stripped of any and all duties by the lead pastor due to my “liberal leanings.” The statement of faith would serve as a “compass”, keeping me in line with their beliefs, as well as an instrument to bring about my firing, in the horrific event that I lean too far “left” in my teaching or preaching or counseling at the treatment center. Right or wrong, it was the decision I made, and I stand by it to this day. ~continues in Part Five
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